The NFL has an expiration date

The NFL is dying. It doesn't look like it, but the NFL is dying a death that is going to come faster than most people realize. Most importantly, it’s a death that is almost entirely self-caused. I'm well aware that the Super Bowl brings in more than 100 million viewers a year. I'm aware that …

Graduation is not about the graduate

I graduated from Chapman University this Saturday. Graduation weekend is a very weird time. It’s sentimental for everyone, but some people deal with that sentimentality differently than others, whether that's trying to get one last party in, hanging out with family, or posting everything that's ever happened in college on social media.   Here’s what graduation …

Trump’s Throwaway Twitter Account (a found poem)

By Joe Shlabotnik from Forest Hills, Queens, USA - The Donald Trump, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=52419667

(X-Post from The Panther Online) Satire | Dodge College announces new Wes Anderson and Quentin Tarantino minors

Link to The Panther Starting this fall, the Dodge College of Film and Media Arts will offer Wes Anderson and Quentin Tarantino minors. “We saw a huge market for these two specific directors,” said a Dodge College representative. “Students are always talking about their films in class, and we thought it would just make sense …

(X-Post from The Panther Online) Satire | Student concerned with university’s inability to hold him accountable for lack of effort

Link to The Panther Chase Wilson, a senior strategic and corporate communication major, said he was disturbed by Chapman’s inability to hold him accountable for his persistent lack of motivation and effort. “I just don’t get it,” Wilson said. “I study for like a half hour before each test and I get at least a …

(X-Post from The Panther Online) Satire | Panhellenic Council announces new ‘Bloodsport’ philanthropy event

Link to The Panther After announcing earlier this year that it would incorporate a new movie-themed philanthropy event, the Chapman Panhellenic Council revealed today that the event would be inspired by the 1988 film “Bloodsport” and will feature one-on-one fights to the death. Each fight will take place in an octagon set up in the Hutton Sports …

(X-post from The Panther Online) Satire | Shirtless Doti convinces student body to give millions to Chapman endowment

Link to The Panther In one of its largest-ever fundraising events, “Doti the Yogi,” Chapman raised upwards of $3 million entirely from student contributions. The event featured President Emeritus Jim Doti practicing yoga on Wilson Field in front of all 6,410 Chapman undergraduates. “I was trying to figure out if they would take Venmo,” said Chad …

Beet and goat cheese ice cream: the flavor no one asked for

It’s like when your mom tries to make something “different” and you try to convince yourself it’s good. But it’s not. Pungent. That’s the first word that came to mind when trying A La Minute’s beet and goat cheese ice cream. I wouldn’t ever willingly try such a flavor. But according to the cashier, three …

Farting in public is an expression of liberty

Writer's note: This was a class assignment, which was to write a column supporting a random topic in about 15 minutes.  The word “flatulence” does not do justice to what a fart is. It’s a doctoral term for what’s essentially a warning shot (or few) at an incoming poop. And farts are worth celebrating. There’s …

Mazel Tov, to home runs

I wasn’t supposed to win. I didn’t deserve to win. I got lucky. At least that’s what my “friends” told me. I was 13 years old. The only way I knew how to communicate with girls in person was to insult them and avoid eye contact like it was a plague. I stood maybe five …